By: The Editors

I know what you’re thinking.

More renovations? But they just tore down the tennis courts!

Alas, there is still much to be done. After all, we learn not for school but for life; to foster such an intellectual environment, it is imperative that the highest quality buildings and resources surround us students.

Thus, in the ebullient spirit of modernization, the administration has decided to tear down the entirety of Hathaway Brown School. According to one inside source, they all were “sick and tired of the new beige and black carpets” as well as “bored with the same 145-year-old exterior.” Hence, it was agreed upon that a bold new design must rise from its ruins.

Their plans are as follows:

  • A more open layout throughout the premises

In an attempt to make HB a more welcoming and ventilated environment, there will be no doors separating classrooms. This way, students will be motivated to collaborate more with their peers across disciplines, creating an enriched learning experience, as well as lowering the spread of germs through doorknobs. There will still be doors in the lavatories, though with wider gaps to assist with the airflow.

  • Auburn carpets with golden accents in the hallways

The colors will instill a sense of pride and school cheer, alongside placating the weary admins.

  • Whiteboards covering all available surfaces

These boards will be modeled after a certain science teacher’s beloved whiteboards, surpassing all others in spotlessness and longevity. Furthermore, by covering all surfaces, fewer students will be perplexed over which walls are safe to write on.

  • Samsung’s 292-inch MicroLED TVs hanging in every classroom

To facilitate interactions between remote and in-person learners, these televisions will display each student’s joyful face in high-definition and vivid colors.

  • Compost and recycling bins adorning every bathroom

Due to the insistence of a certain green member of the faculty, students will be encouraged to compost their toilet paper and recycle anything else, excluding cardboard.

  • 382 turf fields surrounding the school

There will be one for every current Upper School student, honoring their legacy at HB. However, due to the expansive nature of this project, there will be no parking lots available to students or faculty going forward. Instead, all drivers will be expected to properly parallel park on the side of the road. Failure to do so will result in public humiliation over the intercom and on social media.

Perhaps you’re thinking, No in-person school! After all, with the entire building being redone, how can classes be held?

Nevertheless, I regretfully must write that the students will be expected to attend their usual classes in the outdoor classroom. Our insider asserted that they “are confident that the outdoor classroom by the front circle can provide students with the space and resources they may desire.” While doubtful, at least students will get enough ventilation and vitamin D.

If you’re unsure whether or not this is the right decision for our hallowed school, remember this illusionary quote by the one and only Elon Reeve Musk:

“If something’s important enough, you should try. Even if – the probable outcome is failure.”

Disclaimer: Construction begins April 1st, 2021.