By Aaryana Sethi

Are you ~b o r e d~ to tears? Do long walks on the now-well-trodden path outside your house no longer give you anything more than a mild sense of liveliness? Have you forgotten what a seven-hour school day felt like? Here’s THE best list of corona-themed activities!!

1. Ensure Your Safety

As practically ever established authority figure/business has told us, “YOUR safety is OUR number one priority!” So, to stay nice and healthy, well, and safe during the coming months, I recommend following the President’s recommendation which can be found here: gibberishisaidbutdidn’ Pretty much, inject yourself with Lysol every day in three doses. I tried before and after meals, and I’ve found that neither worked quite as well as taking a break mid-meal and doing it then. I hope to stay germ-free, and if you’re hoping for the same, I really do think this is the best way to proceed.

2. Read Some Really Long and Terribly Boring Books

I absolutely love, love, love to read. And if you’re like me, some Sundays have been positively dreary (especially with the torrential rain). So, what better way to spend your next dreary Sunday (I find any other day of the week to be a fantastic substitute in case you’re short on Sundays) than reading the longest and most boring book you can find! Here are some of my recommendations:

War and Peace by Tolstoy is an enchanting 1869 story about the French invasion of tsarist Russia, or so I was expecting (thank you APEuro for teaching me that invading Russia in the winter is never a good idea). If you find 19th century “history” a little underwhelming, give Ishmael a FaceTime ring (sorry) in Melville’s Moby Dick—I promise it’s much more overwhaleming (sorry again) than War and Peace. If all else fails, pick up a Charles Dickens book—I guarantee that the tears of boredom will come on the fiftieth description of her eyes or busy London. Plus, when you’re done, you can chuck it at the wall and then spend the next week learning how to build walls!

3. Ensure the Presence of Sufficient Sustenance

I’ve heard that people are baking a lot. That sounds like a pretty great idea, right? But, seeing as every human being our age has amalgamated into one giant quaranteen that’s decided to bake 24/7, the stores are quickly running out of essentials like flour, sugar, and vanilla extract. So, instead, scroll down for my recipe recommendation for “These Unprecedented Times.”

  • Preheat oven to Super Odd Weather (the perfect temperature is achieved by adding some April Snow and May rain)
  • Then, add one week of online school. The batter should begin by feeling prettygood.
  • Whisk in the 2 weeks of Shut Inside a House and beat until a creamy and bored texture is reached.
  • Slowly incorporate one week of Quality Family Time and let rest for another week. As the dough rests, pepper in some exams and power outages.

I actually don’t know the end of the recipe yet as it’s a work in progress. Check back soon.  

Baking is one of the only things on this list I’ve actually done during quarantine, plus I promised you falafel (I promise this recipe is unironically delicious).

4. And Here Comes the Denial!!

The only thing I could possibly love more than my falafel is Jair Bolsonaro’s denial of coronavirus (this is your reminder to follow step one again!!) According to the President of Brazil, coronavirus is nothing more than a “little flu” or a “trifling cold,” and I don’t think I could agree more. I mean, what’s all this rush to take safety measures and make people stay at home? It’s not like people from ACROSS THE GLOBE ARE DYING OF THE AFOREMENTIONED “TRIFLING COLD,” AND ONE OF THE BEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE WAYS OF STOPPING THE SPREAD OF THE “LITTLE FLU” IS STAYING. AT. HOME.

So, with that, it’s time for my next dose of Lysol. I hope you feel enlightened after reading the above list, and that you have new ideas for things to do at home!