by Audrey Roche
Your daily horoscope is here! Don’t fret if you’re reading this a day late, this applies to whatever day you want it to, because that’s just how this horoscope works!
Aries (March 21-April 20):
Your Pluto has been in retrograde in Capricorn for 5 months and is just moving on today! This
means that you’re probably going to feel the need to celebrate today. You’re going to buy a
cookie at aprx 3:34.76, but beware you’re going to find a weird hair in the bag. You should
probably throw it out, but of course you won’t because you are so stubborn
Taurus(April 21-May 21):
Mercury and Scorpio are in your 7th house! This makes for a busy day! You’ll realize you forgot your ID badge on your bedside table this morning a little too late. You’ll successfully avoid any points until lunch, where a teacher will stop you while you are putting away your plate. Tough luck, Taurus!
Gemini(May 22-June 21):
You’ll eat a bagel for breakfast, even though you’re not even sure you like bagels. Because Pluto coming out of it’s retrograde you’re going to run into an old friend you hate around 12:30. Be careful, they are definitely lying to you, and trying to ruin your life again. Also, watch out for flying pencil erasers.
Cancer (June 22-July 22):
Aries full moon is going to be in your 10th house, this means you are going to get a test back today that you did well on. Try asking your parents for a new pet because of your test, it might go over better than expected. While you’re on this good luck spree, you will feel the need for some change and stop at the nearest Great Clips and get some bangs.
Leo (July 23- Aug 22):
Uranus is going to be in your success zone today! You should take a risk today, like taking the stairs two at a time or answering when a number you don’t know calls you mid-day. You never know what might happen.
Virgo (August 23-Sept 22):
Mercury in retrograde is beginning it’s transit in Pluto, meaning that later this evening you will be faced with a near death experience
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22):
It’s your birthday month! You will be getting a surprise present this morning! Don’t expect it to be exactly what you want, your indecisiveness in telling them what you wanted definitely screwed you over.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):
Uranus in Taurus in your seventh house means that this will generally be unpredictable for you. Maybe keep you eyes out in the hallway, someone will knock the wind out of you with their oversized backpack in passing.
Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21):
With Uranus in transit in the seventh house, maybe let go of those 7th grade math notes you’ve been hoarding just in case they come in handy.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 20):
Mercury retrograde is in Scorpio for you today. Any big decision you make today, you will come to regret. You’ll opt to get a sandwich or salad instead of a hot lunch today, and will be underwhelmed by your own choices.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19):
With a Mercury retrograde, it is important to be flexible as things may not go your way today. Be careful walking down stairs, you’ll take a big fall while preoccupied. Could be worse, and it probably will be.
Pises (Feb 20-March 20):
You are actually a Virgo, and your parents have just been lying to you.