An Ode to the College Board

By Kate Hickey

(Disclaimer: this is not an attack at AP teachers or graders. Also, all specific examples were exaggerated and originated from my mind, or in other words, do not pertain to any actual exams)

Oh College Board,

how you flaunt your jam-packed curriculum before my eyes

Wait, there are 25 chapters I need to learn before your overpriced exam!!

Oh College Board,

how you induce tears and mental breakdowns

Wait—I’m not getting college credit for this???

I have to take that class again in college??

Oh College Board,

why give me information I never have to use?

Oh College Board,

why did you only budget 5 days for this chapter?

Oh College Board,

please stop sending me emails about your fatuous standardized tests

Oh College Board,

please stop asking me to calculate the distance and time it takes X to ride his bike X miles using the Pythagorean formula

Oh College Board,

thank you for your subjective English section

What if I think the author’s purpose is to blank instead of blank?

Oh College Board,

thank you for including an entire section regarding that trite, exceedingly difficult graph we barely touched upon in September

Oh College Board,

thank you for incorporating those completely unrealistic so-called application questions of yours

I will definitely need to apply the velocity of a ball rolling into a crater on Mars using the formula for volume of a triangular prism!

Oh College Board,

why?