By Anna Keresztesy
Too. Much. Pumpkin.
Okay, it was fine when we had pie and even lattes, but it has gone too far. One more box of pumpkin spice cereal, one more baked goods company advertising a trendy new flavor of Bright Orange with a hint of Leaves, and my faith in corporate America’s ingenuity will be completely gone.
Yes, you can dress cozy, and wear whatever you want with the excuse of unpredictable weather. But come on. Uggs and leggings are the most impractical outfit, never mind the fact that a peacoat is less protective than a sheet of plastic wrap. The ‘boyfriend’ style? Stop that. Who named it that? What kind of patriarchal attempt to take both comfortable clothes AND our fall aesthetics. Give me one well fitting pair of sweatpants and leave me alone until December first.
Cold days with a picturesque autumn scene are every ~aesthetic~ hunters dream. However, this is Cleveland. If you voluntarily wear long pants and sweaters while it is 90 outside, congratulations. You are now part of the official aesthetically pleasing party. Hope it was worth it.
Do not get upset, I am not bashing this wonderful holiday. As a self proclaimed Spook Enthusiast ™, I feel personally attacked by the commercialization of the best time of year. How many times do I need to say it? Coraline is not a scary movie. Also, no shade, but the Monster Mash is an abomination and our neglect to create ballads to celebrate this blessed day deeply disturbs me.
All my life, I have been ostracized from the culture of my generation for my absolute intolerance for the taste of coffee. It’s dirt and we all know it. I have been left to go and find my way in the tea world, and earned my place in the tea drinking community. Yet every time fall rolls around, everyone pours a steaming cup of water and leaves, with some caption about being cozy. You don’t know oolong from chai. Bonus points for anyone who calls it chai tea. And that’s the tea.
Country Life Appropriation
Okay, this is directed towards anyone who thinks that Hawken is far away. To my three other middle of nowhere dwellers, this one goes out to you. My cornfield is not your freaking prom dress. Ten months out of the year, we are forced into the seclusion of our farms and rural amish lifestyle. Yet as soon as the first leaf turns brown, every Jeep has pulled out of Shaker and into Pattersons. My elementary school went there regularly, and my friend’s mom worked there. But yah, Pattersons is YOUR favorite fall activity.