BREAKING NEWS: HB Art Department Reduced to Single Box of Crayola Washable Kids’ Paints

by Regina EganScreen Shot 2018-03-31 at 9.02.04 PMHathaway Brown recently announced a sweeping measure that would eliminate all existing visual and performing arts programs, instead replacing them with a single box of Crayola Washable Kids’ Paints.

One inside source explains that all Upper School students who seek a fulfilling and comprehensive art education need only go to the Student Center to pick up the paints from inside one of those wooden benches that students never actually use.  The source, a high-ranking member of the administration who chose to remain unnamed, stated that “this single box of ten classic-colored, non-toxic paints will absolutely provide Hathaway Brown students with the opportunity to pursue all of their artistic and creative endeavors without leaving any sticky residue or stains.”

Similarly, the administration member responsible for this recent action also chose to remain unidentified, but did comment that “these ten two-ounce bottles should serve as ample resources to accommodate the dwindling number of students remotely interested in artistic expression.  With this slight change, HB girls will now be able to learn not for school, but for life using these Acrolayo Washable Kids’ Paints.”

Furthermore, the newsletter also announced that all funding for current art programs including classes like “Black Box Ensemble”, “Advanced Studio Art Honors”, “Dance Technique”, etc. would be transferred to what inside sources describe as “more sensible” and “profitable” areas of the HB education.  Specifically, existing funding will be allocated to the athletic department as well as the Science Research and Engineering Program in order to “better prepare HB students for finding real careers.”

Additionally, the entire budget for the Hathaway Brown art department in the 2018-2019 school year will be eliminated, save the $6.99 expense required to purchase the Crayola Washable Kids’ Paints.