If America Comes First, Who Comes Second?

by Megan Qiang

*This is satire. Please note when reading the following.

“From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. From this day forward, it’s going to be only America first, America first.”

You heard it here, America first. But if America’s numero uno, who’s number two?

Screen Shot 2017-03-12 at 8.34.51 PM

Netherlands thinks it is.

In a four minute long video, Dutch comedy show Zondag Met Lubach assists the Netherlands government in delivering its pitch to be Trump’s right hand man. With Trump-like vernacular, the video promotes Dutch culture, language, and infrastructure, personalized specifically for the 45th POTUS, offering:

“Afsluitdijk. It’s a great, great wall that we built to protect us from all the water from Mexico. …”

“In December we’ve got this scandalous tradition of Black Pete. It’s the most offensive, the most racist thing you’ve ever seen. You’ll love it, it’s great.”

“We also have a disabled politician for you to make fun of. ”

With 23 million views, Netherlands looks like it’s got a strong case going for its cause.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELD2AwFN9Nc

However, if it’s not Eurovision or speed skating, Netherlands is not allowed to win anything. So soon after the release of Netherland’s video, several other countries decided to pull their luck, including:

  • Switzerland, boasting, “We also love to treat our women badly. Love it. We didn’t let them vote until 1971. In some places even until 1990. We grabbed them by the civil rights.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reuJ8yVCgSM

  • Germany, with their main man, “Great leader, so smart, great hair, great suit, look at his suit. He made Germany great again. The media totally loved him. Wrote only nice things about him. Great guy. Total winner. His book a bestseller,” with the added bonus that “Steve Bannon absolutely loves him.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcH9eWBs9fw

  • Mars knows that it is the only planet for President Trump, because “Saturn. Saturn has seven rings. We see even one is too much for you to handle, Mr. Trump.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBtzAYgNFk4

The entries to be America’s S.O. are piling up, with videos coming in from Australia to Malta. One website has taken it upon itself to track these “who wants to be second” entries, which you can visit at http://www.everysecondcounts.eu/index.html . You totally should. It’s a great website. Just great.

However comedic, some videos, such as the one submitted by Netherlands, do suggest a serious policy note, stating that “And last but not least, we’ve got a great, great, great dependency on the United States, it’s huge. If you screw NATO you’re going to make our problems great again. … Please don’t.”

So if America’s first, who do you think should be second? The videos are worth a watch, and they are definitely “trending” as of now. We wouldn’t want to lose our status as the most media invested country in the world now do we?