The Perfect Valentine’s Date Based on Your Zodiac Sign
by Stephanie Kaiser
Ah, Valentine’s Day. The day designed for couples to celebrate their love and eat as many heart-shaped chocolates as they can. For some, it’s basically an over-commercialized love fest, while for others, it’s their favorite day of the year. Armed with absolutely zero knowledge of astrology and the uncanny-at-best, laughable-at-worst knowledge of the Internet, I decided to come up with my own horoscopes for the best dates on the most ~romantic~ day of the year. What’s in store for you?
DISCLAIMER: I am by no means an astrologist, nor do I personally believe in horoscopes. This is just me, poking a little bit of fun at horoscopes that take themselves too seriously! For real, these are not good suggestions unless you want your Valentine’s Day to go horribly, horribly wrong.
DISCLAIMER: You do not need to be in a relationship to enjoy these dates! Grab the one you’re crushin’ on, your best friend, your neighbor, your cat, or even roll solo – don’t miss out on the fun!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re a fire sign, show that special someone what you’re really made of. You know what I’m talking about. Check out your local Home Depot, pick up a pack of matches, and set your boo on fire. YOLO! Wow them with your fearlessness by holding their hand while roasting marshmallows on their cheeks.
The perfect gift: Bath and Body Works candle in Marshmallow Fireside
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, you are a natural protector. If you’re looking for a date that shows your partner how good you are at taking care of them. Locate the nearest beach, and catch yourself dinner using your bare hands. Wrap the catch of the day whole in some rice and seaweed and boom – instant sushi. And if your bae says, “Um, that looks completely unsanitary,” you know it’s time to move on – good thing the beach is literally teeming with life.
The perfect gift: Scuba Choice Spearfishing Pole
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Have a doppelgänger? Call on their help to pull a little prank on your dumpling. You’re picking up what I’m putting down – drive them to a secluded, abandoned hotel, and reenact that scene from The Shining. I cannot find any other reason to have a twin besides this. Plus, your s/o will be so terrified that you’ll never have to plan a Valentine’s Day for the two of you ever again! Whether that’s because they’re taking matters into their own hands or because they never want to see you (or your doppelgänger) again, all depends on how well you pull it off!
The perfect gift: Fisher Price Harley-Davidson Motorcycle Tough Trike
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sensitive and kind, all Cancers really want for a Valentine’s Day is a slam poem written about them. Drop hints to your beloved that you really need someone who can woo you with their words. Suggest a cute café for them to read it to you and then surprise them by inviting all of your closest family and friends to watch them roast you.
The perfect gift: Kleenex Ultra Soft Facial Tissue
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You are literally the definition of Over The Top on Valentine’s day – which is why your date should be just as bold as you. This date is perfect for Game of Thrones fans – or really any Leo who loves to be reminded of their power. Have a cape and crown custom-made, and claim your rightful status as Ruler of America. Keep the fun going outside of Valentine’s Day by following through on this date and literally deposing the president.
The perfect gift: Inflatable Blow Up Chair
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Shed your reputation as the boring, modest sign, by having your boo bear give you a makeover. Never going too far from your roots, make sure they use all fresh ingredients – head out to your local garden and have them harvest beauty essentials – dirt, dandelions, straight up twigs, whatever your mind can imagine! This date is perfect for the rebellious Virgo who wants to stay in touch with their natural side.
The perfect gift: HOMEFUN Planting Tools
Libra (September 23-October 22)
They call you the balanced sign, Libra. Why don’t you see how true that is by taking your date to new heights, creating the perfect Valentine’s Day, and possibly inventing a new sport all at one time? That’s right – couple’s tightrope walking. Ever seen the human wheelbarrow? Well, this is exactly like that, except suspended on a tiny piece of wire 100 feet in the air. Talk about a trust fall!
The perfect gift: Heavy Duty Braided Wire
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You know you’re a spicy meatball, Scorpio. You have a flair for the dramatic, but you also love mystery. Why don’t you combine the two and show your cuddle cakes to your favorite local haunt – a dark, damp cave, in the middle of nowhere! Once your eyes have adjusted to the lack of light, show your bunny boo what you packed for a picnic meal – roasted scorpions, an homage to the real queen – you.
The perfect gift: Xtreme Bright LED Flashlight
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Well, Sagittarius, an exact quote from one of your horoscopes I found was that you “love to play the role of Don Quixote.” I say, go for it! You can be Don Quixote, and your love muffin can play Sancho, your devoted friend and servant. Make your way to the nearest fields to fight some windmills, and go save a damsel in distress (who may or may not exist).
The perfect gift: Jacobson Hat Company Conquistador Helmet
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Cap, show your pookie bear that you are the GOAT. Like, the goat. Just like the mountain goat, you are stoic and pessimistic, but why not go all the way and become one! Set up a fun scavenger hunt for your love monkey that ends up with them feeding you a carrot stick out of their palm as they yodel while gazing lovingly into your bleak, soulless eyes.
The perfect gift: Ram Horns Costume Accessory
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Ah, Aquarius, you lovable alien-human hybrid, you. Your head is up in the clouds, and your doodle bug knows just how to get your attention – with shiny objects, of course! Why not have a little friendly competition between the two of you by seeing who has the shiniest, most reflective object in their local dumpster! You might call this dumpster diving, but I prefer the term ‘panning for gold.’ Who knows, maybe on your next date you can make a shiny-found-objects scrapbook!
The perfect gift: Bounty Hunter Metal Detector
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Pisces, you are THE water sign. Nicknamed The Fish, Pisces find joy in anything aquatic, but maybe it’s time for you to shed your timid image. This one takes some planning, but Pisces are creative enough to make it work. Find a big space in your backyard, dig a really big hole, line it with cement, and fill it with water. Voila! Homemade pool. Next step, sneak into your local aquarium at night and steal 3-5 big fish (preferably sharks, piranhas are okay too). Now, call your binky boo over for a shark-infested swim!
The perfect gift: Penn Plax Aquarium Wire Mesh Net