by Megan Qiang
Hello There! Your ill-equipped and non-qualified expert on all things personable here. So, January 20th provided the nation with a ceremony for the ages. The president-to-be walking down a long aisle way to make a vow to his future. A celebration of something that only you and your close family are genuinely moved by. Kind of like a wedding, no?
Exactly. This year, America’s onto its 45th husband and, although she missed out on exploring her bisexual side, the festivities were still abundant. Trump was pulling out all the stops for his big day, and we were there to judge all of it.
So let’s evaluate this party Four Weddings style shall we? Continuing the theme of reality tv-politics fusion, we shall rate Donald’s union to his office-to-be on four categories, Dress, Venue, Food, and Overall Experience out of ten.
And although we can’t award Donald a luxurious honeymoon to Gozo for being the only contestant playing, but he can enjoy the joys of participating in another contest that no one really knew he was playing until he won.
*Sigh* I mean, who wears the same exact, everyday outfit on the biggest day of their lives?
Sure, I suppose it’s symbolism and whatnot, but it violates the golden rule that your wedding guests don’t wear the same color as you do. Gosh drumpf-it, his own son is winning the “who wore it better” game, and that would certainly be a very awkward situation to encounter at a wedding.
Final score: 4/10
Bonus Points @ Melania for looking like she gon’ have her sister kidnapped at the Triwizard Tournament.
Martha Stewart once said, ‘a larger room doesn’t necessarily mean a larger party. A smaller space may invoke a sense of familiarity, of amiability. Especially the aroma of caramelized pears will certainly enhance the pleasantness of the space-’
You get the idea. Unfortunately, the Trumps didn’t get the memo that the only people showing up to the party were the ones who won him the popular vote.
Apparently the number of crude jokes made doesn’t matter either because Trump’s choice of venue did not accommodate his inauguration guests in an incredibly complementary way.
Although Capitol Hill is considered one of the most popular venues for presidents to become married to their work, it’s red white blue color scheme could not cover up the mass of gray in the sky or the spotless bleachers on Trump’s big day.
Final score: 5/10
I suppose this one was hard to evaluate, as inaugurations aren’t particularly known for their cushy cuisine. However, the event mainly provided food for thought, with issues surrounding the future presidency being brought up such as economic endeavors, immigration policy, and apparently, the treatment of small farms.
Final score: 7/10
Overall, this experience was certainly an intriguing one. Some of the attendants were giddy family members tearing up over the most perfect union they have ever lived to witness. Some were sassy, skeptical aunts with teeth gritted and tut-tutting at the disastrous divorce that would be soon to follow. Yet this day, without question, will be a turning point for all Americans alike. However, while some await a prosperous future, others simply hope to simply stay alive, and if optimistic, alive and accepted. I will not sugar-coat that the vows made by America’s new bride-zilla are alarming at best, but the immense surges of love and support from civilians for the ones who need it most have been inspirational. The response to this new amalgamation has brought out the best and worst in many, and for that, this inauguration has been a poignant one.