The Newest and Shiniest Fad Diets
by Alison Xin
Hey there, people of Earth! Are you satisfied with your body? Of course not! There’s always new and exciting ways to change yourself, and here are some of the ones that are currently trending right now.
The Archaic Diet
Why mess around with things like the Paleo diet when you can go back even father? Let’s draw some dieting inspiration from the earliest lifeforms that arrived on Earth. Earth’s earliest habitable atmosphere greatly resembled the outgassing from volcanoes, so consider a trip to Hawaii or Iceland. Stand at the lip of a volcano – don’t be afraid to get right up to the action. No pain, no gain, amirite?
When you’re positioned in a location to consistently get a stream of volcano gas right into your lungs just … stay there. After all, the earliest archaebacteria weren’t exactly the get-up-and-go type. If you feel a bit of burning or debilitating coughing, that’s fine. That’s just your lazy, consumeristic, modern body rejecting the simple utilitarianism of the olden days. Eventually, if you persist, you won’t feel it anymore.
Then, pretty soon, you won’t feel anything anymore!
You may have heard the little factoid that you can’t lose weight permanently because fat cells don’t die when you die-t. Thus, the only way to really get rid of fat is to cut it off with liposuction or another form of surgery. But why bother with only cutting off fat? If you really want to lose weight, there’s heavier things you can cut off. Bone, for instance, or muscle. Heck, in one clean motion, you can separate 20-30 pounds from your total weight by lopping off a leg! If you’re looking for a less drastic drop, an arm (non-dominant, of course) can lighten your load by 5-10 pounds. Additionally, the resulting blood loss and shock can drop maybe another pound or so.
Overall, this diet is incredibly fast, though a little messy. Nothing a couple rolls of paper towels can’t take care of! Really, there’s nothing to lose. Except a significant portion of your independent motion.
The Emperor’s Cleanse
Recently, you may have noticed a new diet dubbed the Master’s Cleanse, which touts the benefits of drinking a glorified version of lemonade and tea every day to lose pounds. But why settle for a measly Master’s cleanse of plebeian fruit juice and boiled leaves when you can follow in the footsteps of the great ancient emperors instead? Scientific assumptions made by the ancients are almost guaranteed to be accurate – after all, you should always trust your elders. Simply obtain a large quantity of pure mercury and drink about half a teaspoon every day until you start noticing results to your liking. If it’s not working fast enough, don’t be afraid to increase the dosage to a full teaspoon, or even half a gallon every single day. The first Chinese emperor tried it, and all he experienced was a mild case of excruciating death.
High Protein Diets
Ah, a classic diet fad: increase your protein intake and lower your carbohydrates to lose weight fast. However, recently, scientists have discovered that such measures typically rob you of important nutritional components necessary for maintaining the human body. Luckily, there exists a fairly obvious solution to this dilemma. After all, if building your body is the problem, then the solution is to just consume other people’s bodies. You are what you eat, so if you’re (presumably) a human, then you should eat other humans. Everything that a human needs to be made out of is right there in a convenient flesh sack, and it’d be foolish to not take advantage of such a convenient package of nutrients.
However, if you decide to pursue these methods, it wouldn’t do to eat unhealthy people – because then you would become unhealthy, obviously. Nutritionists highly recommend lying in wait next to gyms and recreation centers and ambushing the regular visitors. These humans tend to be in the best condition and thus contain the best quality meat.
Hopefully, this advice will help all of you conform to the practical and realistic beauty expectations that you absolutely have to live up to, or else risk being an unredeemable failure. Good luck in futilely attempting to change your pathetic, common, miserable life into something worthy of society’s standards!
THIS IS A JOKE. DON’T DO ANY OF THESE THINGS. PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU.