How to Not Be Donald Trump
by Kathy Wang
Ahh…Where do we begin?
- Don’t have bad hair.
Of course this is completely subjective to everyone, but uh, at least he acknowledges and takes responsibility for it.
“As everybody knows, but the haters and losers refuse to acknowledge, I do not wear a ‘wig.’ My hair may not be perfect, but it’s mine.”—Tweeted by Donald Trump
But hey, if you like his style, here’s a quote from a 2011 interview where he told the world the secret to his wispy, pallid locks.
“‘OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don’t dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things. This morning I read in the New York Post about Jerry Seinfeld backing out of his commitment to do a benefit for my son Eric’s charity. I’ve never been a big fan of Jerry Seinfeld — never dug him, in the true sense — but when I did The Marriage Ref, which was his show and a total disaster, I did him a big favor. Then he did this. It’s a disgrace.’ He goes on, ‘I also watch TV. I love Fox, I like Morning Joe, I like that the Today show did a beautiful piece on me yesterday — I mean, relatively speaking. OK, so I’ve done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb.’ He pauses, frowning, casting his mind back to capture the details of the event. ‘Do I comb it forward? No, I don’t comb it forward.’ He pushes the leading edge of the flying wing of his hair back, to show where the hairline is. ‘I actually don’t have a bad hairline. When you think about it, it’s not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it’s not really a comb-over. It’s sort of a little bit forward and back. I’ve combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time.'”—Donald Trump, during a 2011 Rolling Stones Interview
- Don’t be sleep in a tanning bed for too long. Or just don’t sleep in one.
Ever notice those white circles around Donald Trump’s eyes? No, it’s not white eye shadow, concealer, or whatever; it’s actually because of the goggles protecting his eyes whenever he tans in under a tanning bed. The tanning bed, along with some bottles of spray-tan and a self-tanner, are what contributes to his rather orangey complexion.
You would just look better without it (and that goes for Trump, too)!
- Don’t get attacked by bald eagles.
This is kind of common sense, but somehow, Donald Trump managed to annoy this particular bald eagle and get attacked by it (it was probably the hair). He was doing a photo shoot with Time magazine for “Person of the Year”, and the photographer thought that Trump holding a bald eagle, the symbol of the United States, would be a good idea to include in the shoot. However, Trump felt that it wasn’t worth it, especially when it turned out Angela Merkel, chancellor of Germany, beat him out of the number one spot.
- Don’t be politically incorrect.
Sometime last year around September, Donald Trump called Carly Fiorina, another Republican candidate, ugly. In fact, he thought that she was too ugly to be president. He should at least use a better reason to try to persuade others to vote for him instead. However, Donald Trump chose to go along with a more childish way, by calling her ugly. Well, he specifically said, “Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?! I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?”
Wow…just…maybe he should look in the mirror sometime or try to cover up those tan lines around his eyes with some of that spray-tan, huh?