7 Incredible Life Hacks

By: Laura Mueller and Rebecca Weinberger

7 Incredible Life HacksTM

  1. Accept the inevitable.
  1. How to Make a Mug Cake (A Cake in a Mug)

VOICE:  There are three ways to make a mug cake. One, mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice.

Jack’s eyes snap open and he turns to see *Tyler*, who is staring out the window. Without turning to Jack, he continues:

TYLER: Two, mix equal parts of gasoline and diet cola. Three, dissolve crumbled cat litter in gasoline until the mixture is thick.

Jack’s smile fades. Tyler turns to him and grins. He reaches down under the seat in front of him and pulls up on a briefcase. Jack looks at it with trepidation.  Tyler offers his hand, Jack takes it and Tyler squeezes firmly and shakes hands.

TYLER: Tyler Durden.

  1. This may seem unbelievable, but if you say Bloody Mary three times in front of a mirror at midnight, nothing apparent happens, except far far away an oak tree falls in a clearing. It echoes, stirring the landscape that surrounds it. The birds stop chirping, for a moment. The elk fall silent. There is no noise, apart from the echo of what once was. But hark! A lone chipmunk lets out a titter. The forest springs to life once more. Everything is different. Nothing has changed. The world will never be the same. Yet it is still just as it was, turning on its axis in this solar system, this galaxy, this universe. A simple oak tree alters little, yet at the same time – everything.
  1. How to win the U.S. (United States) Presidency in 3 EZ steps
    1. Lie to the public – it’s endearing
    2. While being literate is not an absolute must, it can occasionally be helpful
    3. Base all decisions on the tides
  1. How to lose the U.S. (United States) Presidency in 3 EZ steps
    1. Have country’s best interests in mind
    2. Be seen without makeup
    3. Blow entire campaign budget at Trader Joe’s
  1. How to Prepare for the Imminent and Underwhelming Return of the Roman Empire ETA summer 2015

Perfect your caesar salad recipe. No dictator ever succeeded without proper nutrition. Familiarize yourself with Russell Crowe’s portrayal of Maximus in Gladiator – it will come in handy. Trade in Toyota Prius for Chariot: even more eco-friendly! If naming a child or a pet, pick something classic. Claudius, Julius and Caligula are always in style.

  1. HOW to MAKE everyone LOVE you  (#makers)

Take up extra seats on public transport. Not only do people like when you do this, they LOVE it! Making them stand for the entire time is a favor that they truly appreciate when they contract leg arthritis.

Sneeze extra loudly (much louder than anyone actually sneezes, unless they are truly desperate for attention). Bonus points for snot excretion. Leave your tissues everywhere. Like, all over. Mark your territory.

Listen to smooth jazz all the time and snub anyone who doesn’t like the heart wrenching jams of the saxophone. Everyone loves a condescending hipster. Sit in a café and remark upon the ideal marxist society that we should live in, and the corruption of the term “talent” in this day and age. Sip your espresso to fill the emptiness in your heart. Turn up the sound on the vinyl player. Sniff, snobbishly. Begin to feel less alone.

Never admit when you’re wrong. It’s a sign of weakness. In the case that you are absolutely sure you are wrong, it is even more essential that you insist on your wrong opinions. Though your opponent may seem to become agitated, deep down they admire your resolve. Your spunk and determination. Your dedication to what you believe in. In this manner, you will succeed.

Buy a pickup truck even though you have an office job in the city and live in the suburbs because it will make you feel like more of a man. Buying a compact car or sedan means that you are weak, and in turn your testosterone levels are lower. Imagine your 7th grade football coach, Mr. Johnson, driving a sedan: ridiculous. Related: shy away from yogurt (feminine), the color pink (disgusting) and soap that isn’t marketed solely towards men (soft soap? No thank you! Soft = weak).

Complain at any grade. Get a 100? Not good enough. Everyone else has a C? Their feelings DO NOT MATTER. People love to hear that you’re disappointed in yourself. Especially when you’re more successful than they are, or ever will be!

Walk as slow as you possibly can in the hallways, preferably linking arms with your buds and taking up maximal horizontal hall space. Move at the pace of an ailing tapeworm. The more people you prevent from getting to their destination, the better! For even more hall-time fun, keep score of how many people let out despondent groans/moans/wails as you go.

Image from @Lifehacks Twitter Account