If Aliens Started Attending Hathaway Brown School for Girls (a few brief situations that would arise)
By: Laura Mueller and Rebecca Weinberger
The Center for Global Citizenship changes its name to Center for Universal Citizenship to appease all students.
Joe Vogel announces trips to Mars, Neptune, and the Andromeda galaxy, along with the usual selections to Kazakhstan and Tuvalu.
A stray alien makes her way down the hallway. She is halted by Ms. Day.
“You need to take off your argyle printed leggings and put on something else!” says Ms. Day.
Turns out the student actually has argyle printed legs, so she doesn’t understand why Ms. Day wants her to remove her legs. She flees, sobbing. Ms. Day has finally met her match.
Available parking spaces on the ground would be increased due to hovercraft traffic. In turn, the Northeastern Ohio Jeep Wrangler stock would go down by 10 points. A typical email from Godshall: “Whoever left their chrome spaceship in the front circle after getting Starbucks, please move your UFO immediately. Failure to comply will result in complete spaceship obliteration, and 1 point.”
College Office opens its doors to representatives from all over the Milky Way. This week, sponsors from OSU, Xenon B Community College, and Wake Forest are visiting. Seniors, if you are unable to attend the meetings, please fill out a representative card. Cards will be mailed immediately. For extraterrestrial universities, cards are expected to arrive within the light year.
Legacy Day XXXVI. The number of drones swarming around the field hockey field has expanded exponentially. All alien-inclined students assume their ride home is here and they check out early without a pass. Oberholtz passes out. Chaos ensues. “Together for good” is no more.
Carnival 2k20. The theme is outer space (#tbt). Many extraterrestrial students are slighted, and form a Coalition for the AbolishmentofextraterrestrialculturalappropriaTion (CAT). In protest, they show up dressed as cats. Due to their unusually diminutive average stature, foreign methods of moving, and decidedly non-human skin coloration, they are mistaken as actual cats and evicted from carnival. Enraged, they steer their UFO’s into the side of the gym, causing $1 billion worth of damage.
Dining Hall foods increase in delicious strangeness, somehow. Alien students are confused by today’s menu (Kentucky Fried Chicken).
“Where is Kentucky?” they ask.
“What is Kentucky. How can you do this to us?”
They form a Society for the Humane Equivalent trEatment of Peeps (SHEEP).
A spinoff group, Cultural Healing Initiative for Chicken Kindness Everywhere Now (CHICKEN), is formed..
Visiting Author emails multiply as Writing Center is open to interstellar poets. Scott Parsons sends out emails every 2.3 nanoseconds. He begins to run out of witty banter. There are no cookies left to lure in students. Aliens and humans alike have mobbed the Writing Center. The couches are ruined.
Sources: National UFO Center