Horoscopes

By: Carly Wellener and Faith Griggs

Libra- (September 23- October 22)

You will step on a forgotten tomato in the lunch room. When this happens, you will be nowhere near the salad bar and you will be very confused. The one time you don’t read your English homework, you will have a quiz. You might as well give up and write whatever you want as your answer.

 

Scorpio- (October 23-November 21)

You will look fabulous every day this month. Did you wear those black pants yesterday? Have you not changed your shirt for a week? It doesn’t matter. Do you, boo. Do you. Watch out for Ms. Day,  as one day she will accidentally give you two points for the same dress code violation in the same day. You will not be able to clear your name. If this happens, you will spend the rest of the semester in fear.

 

Sagittarius- (November 22-December 21)

There’s good news and bad news. You will discover your life’s purpose. Unfortunately, you will forget it under the burden of every test and homework assignment you have. So, you’re gonna have to choose. Do you want to pursue your future, or your future?

 

Capricorn- (December 22-January 19)

After pulling an all-nighter to finish that essay (you know the one), you will forget to put on deodorant and brush your teeth before you go to school. Your friends will offer you a piece of gum, only to realize they already gave their last piece away. If you get really desperate, you will rub hand soap on your armpits to keep the stink at bay. On the bright side, you will get the grade you were hoping for.

 

Aquarius- (January 20-February 18)

You will come up with a new word to use as slang. If you use it excessively, others around you will use it out of their subconscious or by mocking you. Eventually, they will start to say it unironically. Congratulations. Do not use the word in the class discussion, however, as you will only confuse your teacher and derail the entire class from hearing something that will be on the next quiz. They will blame you.

 

Pisces- (February 19-March 20)

For some, unknown reason, a lot of people will glare at you. A senior will glare at you. Parsons will glare at you. Ada will glare at you (which is kind of a step up from being completely ignored by her, in my opinion).This can be fixed by bribing each person with cupcakes. Ada will probably still glare at you and will even refuse the treat. On the bright side, you can eat it yourself.

 

Aries- (March 21-April 19)

The stars are aligned, the apocalypse is coming. It is a good week for trying something new! Have you tried the more suspicious items on the small plates at lunch? No? Well time is running out my friend! Get to it because the unnamed, mysterious but assumedly all knowing ancient civilization’s calendar is ending. A sure sign of impending doom (or of a difficult test) in weeks to come.

 

Taurus- (April 20- May 20)

Avoid the temptation to barrel in rage at red clothes that people wave near you. It almost never ends well and you end up looking like a fool when they pull it out of the way as you run past. (Wait, all Tauruses are actual bulls right? No? They are people? What?? Oh well. Maybe it still applies.)

 

Gemini- (May 21- June 20)

A friend may be upset today. A friend may be really happy today. A friend might be feeling pretty average today. Choose none of them as partners in a group project. You already know you’ll end up doing all the work and your suspicions about their secret lives will all prove to be true if you end up working with them. You wouldn’t want that.

 

Cancer- (June 21-July 22)

Beware the seagulls. They know and will use this knowledge against you. Beware their snapping beaks and beady eyes. The good news is that seagulls are becoming a rare sight at this time of the year. The bad news is that they can still be found in Walmart parking lots. Unfortunately, you will be going to Walmart sometime soon. We recommend that you bring along someone in a glitter body suit to distract their attention from your inner crab.

 

Leo- (July 23- August 22)

Change your workout/ pump up mix so that it consist entirely of songs from 2010. Realize that 2010 was 4 years ago. Ponder how the time could have gotten away from you like that. Ponder this in the hall while listening to your mix and accidently run into your nemesis. Your headphones will fall out and your killer playlist will blast out loud. You’ll find that she loves your music and you will put aside your differences and be friends until she inevitably pulls something like she did freshman year when she told everyone about that one time….

 

Virgo- (August 23- September 22)

People love you for your dazzling smile. Use it more often. It may actually have special powers. Try smiling at random objects to see what those powers may be! Be careful to do so without injuring those you love by accidently zapping them with your bright, smile-rays that you just discovered. Flash those pearly whites at your own risk.

 

 

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