HB Girl Guide: How to Grow a Beard

By Regan Brady and Lina Ghosh

Going to an all-girls school, we are fortunate enough to not have to deal with that awkward stage where boys begin to sprout and flaunt their mustache hair to the world. To get the full scoop on what it really feels like to have facial hair, we interviewed a few of HB’s male teachers to learn more about their beards (or lack of beards) so that you can understand what your favorite male teachers have to deal with.

Our two beard experts: Mr. Allen (JA) and Mr. Ciuni (MC)

Why do you have a beard?
JA: I first grew it out in honor of the Sikh article of faith because I was going to India.
MC: I don’t like to shave and I also have quivering upper lip that needs to be covered.

Have you ever measured your beard?
JA: I could eyeball it…maybe. At its longest it was about four inches.
MC: Ummm kind of…how do you even do that? Beards are like snowflakes, no two are the same.

Have you ever not had a beard?
JA: Most of my life…
MC: Oh yeah. Fourth grade.

How does it make you feel?
JA: It makes me feel…um…bold, emboldened…and a little bit scruffy.
MC: Warm in the winter and itchy in the summer, but you get used to it after a while.

What are the benefits of having a beard?
JA: 1) Instant respect. 2) You can make a lot of friends.

Have you ever hidden food in your beard?
JA: Not intentionally.

Does it ever get stuck in there?
MC: Oh yeah I use double the amount of napkins that non-bearded people use! Don’t tell Ms. McMillan though!

Have you ever gotten a beard tan?
JA: When I shave off my beard, I can definitely see it there. IT REVEALS ITSELF.
MC: I don’t know how the sun can get through this thing; it has like a wiriness to it.

Do you know how much a non-bearded man spends a month on shaving supplies?
JA: Anywhere from few dollars to twenty bucks.
MC: Well…I mean do you know? I havent been to a barber in 15 years…or more.

Have you ever played hide and go seek with your beard?
JA: I haven’t ever felt the need to.
MC: No, but it does play a pretty mean game of chess.

Who is your favorite bearded idol?
JA: I would have to say long standing sikh gurus.
MC: Oh that’s good stuff, well, ZZ Top…do you know who that is?
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Formerly bearded now non-bearded teacher: Mr. Parsons

Have you ever had a beard?
I have had a wide variety of different beards at different times. I would classify myself as non-bearded at the moment though…but I have been identified as bearded in the past.

Why don’t you have a beard right now?
I don’t have a beard right now because they start at some point to itch and bother me. I had two beards over spring break, but I shaved them both…my face is overly sensitive to weight and (beards) drag me down.  I dont like to feel hair of mustaches in my nose. I mean could be the person who just shaves mustaches and grows it out everywhere else, but I’m just not that kind of guy.

Have you gotten food stuck in your beard?
Oh yeah and getting food stuck in your beard could be a problem…like a kernel of corn

Beard tan?
No incipient beard…no beard tans.

How much do you spend a month on shaving supplies?
$15 a month-ish.

Are there any benefits of having a beard?
1) Not shaving, you can’t underestimate that one…you probably save money like crazy
2) Another great benefit of the beard is that you can sit in your chair, stroking your beard and you could look like a very deep, thoughtful person. If you lined up five people and put them in the “room”…I don’t know what it’s called a jail ID room?…anyway, and a one person had a beard on…If you asked someone to pick the deepest, most thoughtful person in the lineup, it would be the bearded guy. (Interjection by D. Scharf: Wouldn’t he also look most like the criminal?)
3) There are things that bearded people can do that non-bearded can’t. (interjection by Danielle Scarf: Are you a real human being?) Beards open you up to a whole new realm of possibilities. *pulls out laptop* Check out this video of the National Beard and Mustache Championship (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ugjRblo0RI). When’s the last time you heard people get that excited about a regular non-bearded person drinking a cup of coffee?

Anything else you would like to say about beards?
You know I’ve always wondered…at what point is the line between “he-hasn’t-shaved” and having a refined beard? The former will become a beard, but is it a beard now?

Favorite beard idol?
You got the Abe Lincoln action. Alright let’s see, if you go to Provincetown in the summer, where they have the bear festival, you can see big beefy guys with big beards and curlicue mustache like Mr. Allen used to have. (Going back to the point where you draw the line) Like before Mr. Allen grew a beard, you thought there was a beard or no beard…but he kept going and you’re like theres all these kinds of possibilities, where do you draw the line? Hmmmm…

Our non-bearded teachers: Mr. Adler (WA) and Mr. Wonderly (EW)

Why don’t you have a beard?
WA: I don’t like how it feels. My wife doesn’t like it either. Sometimes it will grow out and she’s like “take that off!”
EW: Being half Asian it just doesn’t come out.

Benefits of not having a beard?
EW + WA: You have an easier time eating, and food doesn’t get stuck.

Favorite bearded idols?
EW: I mean General Patton has a beard right? (He doesn’t)
WA: I don’t really look at men and say, “Hey, that’s a nice beard!”
EW: ALL THE CIVIL WAR GUYS!
WA: Some ladies sport nice beards too… Oh and Hugh Jackman as Wolverine has a nice one.

How much do you spend on shaving supplies a month?
WA: It’s going up…now if i get 10 razors it’s like 20 bucks every two months
EW: I use an electric razor so like $160 for a long time.