You’d Better Belieb It

Emily Amjad

Juuuuustin, we can tell the future, but yours is kind of cloudy. All we see is smoke… and some confetti – but hey, life’s a party, right? In light of the countless news articles about the downward spiral that the Biebs seems to be careening down at top speed in his custom leopard-print Audi, let’s take a deeper look at what waits for the 19 year old after he hits rock bottom. First of all, this photo makes him look like a monkey – long arms, hunched over. Maybe when he comes to his senses, the posture will improve along with the pants. Pull them up, please. I think it’s safe to allow the Biebs nine years to shape up or ship out (of the US and back to Canada, preferably). At 28, he’ll finally have hit puberty. Boys do take so much longer to mature than girls. At that point in his life, JBiebs can begin to woo back Selena, because she really was the best thing that ever happened to him. Then, hey, maybe he’ll start to use his money on other things than drugs and big-ticket rides (he has quite a collection: a Ferrari, Audi, Cadillac, Range Rover, and two Ferraris). Justin did take the music world by storm – I know we were all infatuated with the sweet, high-pitched boy in 2009 – but his impression now has just joined the ranks of previous “child-stars gone crazy.” “Quit playin’,” Bieber, and pull yourself out of this depressed high.

BREAKING NEWS: As of noon on January 23, the Biebs has been singing the night away in a jail cell on account of drag racing his Lamborghini with an associate’s Ferrari while under the influence. CNN confirms that Justin had a few illicit substances in his system (especially considering that he’s only 19). He apparently admitted to have ingested beer, marijuana, and a prescription drug. The Miami Herald reports that “Bieber, 19, was incoherent, had his hands in his pockets, and resisted arrest without violence…He also did not have a valid license.” Surprisingly, the bond was set at only $2,500.

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