Bi-Weekly Update with Fallon Gallagher (12.8)
By Fallon Gallagher
Reports emanating from South Korea claim Jang Song-thaek, uncle of North Korean dictator King Jong-Un, has been dismissed by the regime. Reports began circulating when people realized that there had been no sightings of the man since early November. Jang Song-thaek’s two aides were executed in mid-November in response to accusations of “corruption” and “anti-party activism”. Classic North Korean response: dispose of anyone/thing who is acting like a rational human being; we ignore Realism.
Now that diplomatic relations between the United States and Iran are improving, Iran sat down in Geneva to discuss the nuclear dilemma. The country’s leaders agreed to keep uranium enrichment below 5%; the current value is somewhere around 20%, which is nearing extremely dangerous levels. Woah, look at all of the great things that can be accomplished when you have a president who is an avid tweeter. @HassanRouhani: #winning.
Ukraine is facing serious backlash following the last-minute decision to side with big brother Russia, rather than have a potential new fling with the EU; bros before hoes. The Ukrainian people are currently rioting in Kiev. Secretary Kerry has cancelled his previously scheduled trip to the country and is instead choosing to visit Moldova.
Bob Dylan is being investigated and sued for “inciting hate” by the French government, following racist comments in an interview with Rolling Stone. This news is especially shocking as the musician was formerly known for his anti-racism hippie tunes and was just awarded the French Legion of Honor, the nation’s highest award. C’mon, Robert Zimmerman.
The nominees for Time’s Person of the Year were recently announced. Nominees include Pope Francis, the so-called “pope of the people,” who revealed in a four hour interview that he used to be a bar bouncer back in Argentina; this guy has so much street cred. Also on the list is Andy Murray, the first British tennis player to win Wimbledon in nearly a century. Kanye West (Yeezus) also makes the list; he should probably win just for dealing with Kim on a daily basis. Shockingly, the notorious Edward Snowden has also made the list. What does it say about our society when the man who caused the greatest security breach in the western hemisphere is nominated for celebration? On the other hand, his scandal did teach Americans that there is an agency called the NSA.
For Biweekly Update, I’m Fallon Gallagher (and I’m Ron Burgundy—if only Ron would crash this newscast like he did in North Dakota).