The Misfortunes of the 100th Freshman: The Super Secret Transcript from the Nurse’s Office (Part II)

By Isabella Nilsson

Note from the Author: The file in this installment is from the super-secret extra-hidden double-padlocked X-ray-impervious filing cabinet of Ima Heeler, HB Nurse, and was obtained surreptitiously and through the use of many advanced journalistic tricks! 

File name: Mindy Z. Freshman. 

9/3/13, 4:45PM: Mindy came to visit me again today. She confided in me over some Advil and four cold compresses (she fell – “was pushed”— down those nasty dark stairs by the gym) that she thinks another student, Samantha Wilson, is persistently attempting to assassinate her. I put on some slow jazz and administered a double dose of ginger ale in an attempt to calm her down, but she would not stop talking about it. Although I’ve come to enjoy Mindy and her long, nearly bi-hourly visits to my office, I can’t help but think the fall must have confused her a little bit. I see Samantha Wilson every week to help brainstorm creative, body-positive ways to control fits of rage and vindictiveness, and she seems like a very nice girl! On a different note, I’ve had lasagna for four Mondays in a row now. It’s a Monday, but I want to eat lasagna again. Is this strange? Should I order Thai instead?

9/4/13, 11:08 AM: Mindy was impaled by a flying ruler today. I told that girl to be careful.

9/4/13, 11:30 AM: While I was patching Mindy up from the whole ruler debacle, she found a hunk of lead in one of my desk drawers and dropped it in the open wound. I called the EMT because if that doesn’t cause lead poisoning, I don’t know what will. Bathing in lead, maybe?

9/5/13, 12:07 PM: Stapler incident.

9/5/13, 12:09 PM: Stapler incident.

9/5/13, 12:10 PM: Stapler incident. I have thrown the stapler out a window, although seconds after I heard a soft thud and a small, high-pitched scream. No matter! Mindy is now safe, although covered in staples. Should I use the tweezers? I wonder.

9/5/13 1:30PM: I decided to eat the lasagna, but make it vegetarian. It was delicious. I am unashamed.

After thinking about it for a while, I have come to the conclusion that I am just a lasagna person.

9/6/13, 2:24 PM: Mindy came to me earlier today. Crying, but physically unharmed! She wanted to talk to me alone, so I made the kindergartner lying on the cot leave, since she only had a fever of 107 and vivid hallucinations. It was hard to get the story out of her amidst all the wailing, but I managed it after a while. She looks surprisingly ugly when she cries! There’s this sort of harsh braying noise and then her face screws up, like a chimpanzee. What an unfortunate child.

Anyways, apparently she had attempted to turn in an English essay about Thanksgiving traditions, but instead had submitted some multi-page, angsty, yet unsent letter to her ex-boyfriend full of 90’s song lyrics and emoticons. Over Google Docs, too. One girl peer-edited it. So sad.

My mother-in-law’s birthday is tomorrow. I’ve been thinking about buying her sanitary wipes. Or some grapples. She enjoys both grapes and apples, so I thought grapples would be safe.

9/7/13, 7:46 PM: Wow! What a day! Some girls are still trickling back in from the hospital now. Hathaway Brown had an incident. A large incident. A fire drill incident.

A bee incident.

Of course it was pandemonium for everyone. I saw girls stung on the lips, armpits, eyes—everywhere. Everywhere you want to think about and some places you don’t, if you get my meaning. There were a couple allergic ones but I had a terrific time driving out to Epi-Pen-resuscitate them in my official Hathaway Brown Emergency Medical Services Golfcart! The sirens were a hoot.

But, of course, I’m writing in Mindy’s file. Mindy got the worst of it.

I may need to reevaluate my position on Samantha Wilson. I’ve treated several eyewitnesses who claimed that Samantha was the one who started it, who in the midst of the fire drill let loose a primal she-hulk scream and hurled her Louboutins and a bee hive at Mindy Z’s face. Apparently, Mindy called her fat? Or phat? Or something? It was sort of hard to tell – the bees had gotten to all of their tongues so they had difficulty enunciating.

Perhaps that should be a new turn of phrase! “You leave me speechless like a bee sting to the tongue.”

Anyways, Mindy’s okay, although she went into anaphylactic shock pretty soon after those danger-infested honeycombs broke open on her nose. I think Principal Angstrom mentioned having the 99 other freshmen sign a get-well card or something. I just hope her fortune changes in the future!

9/15/13, 8:53 AM: Stapler incident.